The Theory of Rockage

The Theory of Rockage

Back in junior year of high school, when I was taking a special advanced-program biology class, I had an epiphane. A new theory of life, based on previous theories and laws of nature, common sense, and intuition. It didn’t catch on right away. Actually, I don’t know of anybody who read it. Though I do think I heard a couple classmates talking about it the next day, so maybe they found one of the copies of the hypothesis lying around where I strategically placed them. Anyway, now, ten years later, I’ve decided as science has made quantum leaps and bounds and we seem closer to having a unified theory of everything- maybe it’s time to go public with what I believe to be the truth. Forget creationism, forget Darwin’s theory of evolution, but remember the basics and keep an open mind. And maybe in another ten years, this will finally be taken as seriously and reverently as I think it should, and it will be taught in schools as the way we came to be.

Life on Earth/Homerock
The Word of Moe
The Ten Rockmandments

King and Queen of Rock
626 AB/Jellyrockers
737 AB
King Reptar
799 AB/Dinojellies
The 2200s-2400s

ROCKAGE- The theory holding that we all come from rocks.

Two hundred billion years ago, a Speck was spontaneously borne. We know not where this Speck came from; that is for other theories and religions and trains of metaphysical thought to explain. From the Speck, came an antispeck. Describing the nature of the antispeck is beyond the constraints of our current language. The closest we can come to describing it is that of a negative image of the Speck, an un-Speck. For example, Speck is like fire, antispeck is like water. But it’s not nearly that simple. It simply can’t be described. Let’s move on.

o (Speck)

thus was borne:
x (Antispeck)


The negative power of the Antispeck is equal to that of the Speck and does something similar to cancelling the Speck out, but it is not cancelled. Rather, a core speckal reaction occurs, and instantaneously the Speck and Antispeck create an invisible explosion and become a dual-natured Speckmate. Some religions, cultures, philosophies, sciences, etc. have come close to grasping this concept. It is an underlying concept, symbol, idea of pretty much any belief system. Yin-yang, water-fire, black-white, feminine-masculine, they all come close to describing the nature of the Speckmate, the joining of Speck and Antispeck. Get it yet?



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Over the next hundred billion years or so, these speckal reactions kept occuring, sort of a chain reaction, until billions of quadrillions of Speckmates were in existence. There were no limits to the amount of Speckmates in the universe (for lack of a better word describing the whole congregation of Speckmates). They ever-so-slowly drifted away from each other, expanding the Speck “universe” (we would call it speckiverse but that would be an impossible word, as will be explained later). But an anomaly occured about 97 billion years ago. Two Speckmates collided for the first time ever. There is no proof of why, but the best explanation seems to be that one Speckmate simply crossed the path of another Speckmate, and that before then, they just all happened to never cross each other’s paths. Some suggest that one Speckmate had a “spasm”, some tick that sent it off in an adversarial direction, but this is ridiculous.

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Thus, upon the collision, a visible explosion occurred, not with fire or gas, but consisting of shattered specks, or Specktacles, all containing Speck and Antispeck properties, with an outward momentum. This momentum created another chain reaction, these new Specktacles flying out and hitting other Specktacles and Speckmates, creating varying sizes and types of Specktacles. Specktacles were not uniform, they were simply the names of the speckforms resulting from the collisions. Some had more Speck properties, some more Antispeck. What are these “properties”, you ask? This is also hard to explain. It’s like explaining how males are different from females to a rock. No, rock is a bad example. Some other nonliving object, like a carpet. A carpet can’t comprehend how a male has different parts than a female.

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Chaos. Anarchy. Revolution against the former order of the Speckmate universe. For about forty billion years, the chaos continued, more kinds and sizes of Specktacles flew and banged about and tore apart and combined and exploded again until… what may have been a miracle happened. Or a fateful accident. Or a visitor from another dimension from before or outside of reality’s existence. A crystal came into the chaotic field of angry Specktacles. One light, beautiful, symmetrical crystal seemed to appear out of nowhere, or at least unseen to Specktacles. If Specktacles could see; but they had no eyes.

Anyway- 55 billion years ago, this crystal, gliding peacefully through this chaos, like a news reporter embedded in a warzone, but without body armor, collided with a Specktacle. This Specktacle is referred to as ST-1X, or Father Specktacle (it had dominantly “masculine” properties– not related to any female or male earthly entities/natures). The crystal is referred to as Anomalous Pre-Rock Object C-000X, or Mother Crystalloid. Neither of these have any similarities to fathers or mothers as we think of them, but the explosive merging of these two prehistoric objects is the moment at which our corner of the universe was created. This “corner” is referred to as our Rockisphere. It can be compared to a galaxy, the collection of gases and planets and stars and dark matter and all that other stuff we’ve been taught to believe we locally reside in. But let’s get to why that’s a bunch of bullsh*t in a minute- we still haven’t gotten to what happened post-coitus.

The collision of Father Specktacle and Mother Crystalloid, or ST-1X and APRO C-000X, resulted in a combination of a destructive explosion and the most productive reaction in the universe– again, it is hard to describe given our current limited primitive vocabulary (hopefully soon enough, when Rockage becomes mainstream science/religion, the terminology will be decided). But it was sort of like a combination of fire, water, and gelatin. The speck material was previously particle-like but nonsolid. The crystal material was previously solid and shiny. Now it was a big messy mass of the fire-water-jelly combination, called “Specktro” and a whole outward maelstrom of speck particles, crystal particles, fire, water, and jello. To this day, we sometimes see evidence of these remnants falling to Earth. We’ll get to this later. (Hint: ever wonder where fire, water and Jello actually come from?)

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This moment of destruction, creation, and ultimation, is considered by Rocksters to be the omega point, 0. Year one was 1 AX. X stands for that moment that is currently indescribable by current language. Over the next twenty-six billion years, the debris from the Event X scattered across our Rockisphere. However it orbited in a spherical orbit around the central mass, Specktro. Specktro you can think of like the sun, but this was much more significant. Our sun is not the center of our galaxy, as modern scientists ignorantly “know”. The Specktro is the center of the Rockisphere, the only “galaxy” in our “universe” that “mattters” (you will learn that matter should not mean what it nowadays means). If there are any other universal spheres or speck congregations is currently unknown to us.

Anyway, the debris orbited around the Specktro for a long time, and the body of Specktro cooled into a solid as its rotation slowed. The fire and water still existed in parts of the body, but was held together by gelatin and the integral cooled solid fire-water-gel combination. But life was still nowhere to be found, by anyone.

In the year 27 Billion AX (or 27BAX), a foreign Specktacle from outside the Rockisphere infiltrated the Rockisphere, bypassing all the debris flying around our Rockisphere, and impacted Specktro. Suddenly, a gigantic explosion occured, again, throwing lots of Specktro debris out into the Rockisphere, leaving a giant crater on Specktro, now lovingly referred to as the Spectro Speckscar. Fires raged on Specktro from then on, until this very day, because this broke a hole in Specktro’s atmosphere and allows random debris to fly in all the time and create new explosions. The previously existent orbiting debris went into chaos again, along with the chunks and debris spewed out by the foreign assault.

Over the millenia, through about 33 Billion AX (33BAX), they all fell into orbit again. The largest chunk resulting from the impact became a spherical object over time due to its orbit. And due to its mass, it had a gravity pull, and smaller chunks and debris began to orbit it. Yes, this chunk has a name. Its name is the Sun. Now we know what you’re saying- “but that’s part of currently accepted science!” Yes, we know, and we despise that fact every day, but there’s simply no denying that the Sun exists and is a fact of life. And in trying to make this as understandable as possible, we’ll stick to its socially embraced name (or Glow Rock 00001).

Did you catch that? Glow Rock? Yes, our first rock was born. Before this, everything was of composed of primarily Speck material (remember, non-solid), gels, fire, water, and crystal matter. For the first time, an object composed of all of this cooled down enough to have a uniform solid mixed-mashed form, or what we’d nowadays identify as a rock. But this was no regular rock, no. It cooled down, but still emanated a glow, because within, it was really hot. That won’t cool down and lose its glow for years, at least.

Now, relative to the rest of space, and Specktro, it’s not that bright. But to our eyes, nowadays, we can’t handle anything over 2% of the brightness that exists in the universe. The Sun does orbit Specktro to this day, but we are at the edge of our Rockiverse, so to us Specktro would look like a distant star. And it does. Its “twinkles” are actually debris bombardments creating more explosions. Poor old Specktro never gets a break. But who wants a break when the next impact could be the birth of a new lifeform? Specktro has either experienced billions of years of suspense and frustration and Post-Partom Depression, or has bred dozens or ones or billions of life-supportive Glow Rocks and habitable planets and species and we have all these half-siblings we’ve never even met, and probably never will, because scientists are so closed-minded. Don’t you prefer the former?

So, back to the Sun’s first few billion years. It had a few buddies following it around, but they were all boring and simple-structured. But a cool glowing Glow Rock needs some excitement. And about eighteen billion years ago, in 37 BAX, one of the Speckmates must’ve sensed this because it got a bit close to the Sun, closer than any debris had gotten before. It heated up and nearly burned to oblivion, but either by heroic sacrifice, jealousy, divine intervention, or the faster orbit of a crystal debris naturally catching up to the Speckmate’s crooked orbit, the crystal debris impacted the heating Speckmate and they flung, stuck to each other, out billions of miles away from the Sun. They became inseperable and their elements formed around each other, combined with pieces of the hot Sun, with its already existing solid soup of ingredients, save for a little piece that got loose but remained in their orbit, known to us as the Moon (or Pure Form Earth Satellite).

This love-and-hate combo, like a much more complex and massive Speckmate, or a smaller Specktro or Sun, didn’t get so far as to escape the gravity of the Sun, so it fell into Sun’s orbit and remains so until this day. Today, we call this… Earth (we hope, in time, we can give this a more apt name- and for now we scientifically call this Homerock).

When it comes to the other seven or eight “planets”, or more accurately, Rockglobes, they were all created in similar fashions, each by a different kind of debris. But our Homerock’s/Earth’s creation was unlike any other because a crystal debris was involved. To our knowledge, no other Rockglobe involved crystal debris in its formation. But Jupiter (Rockglobe Ultimus is one name) was created in a mysterious way, involving some vaporous gel which carried some of the power of the Sun into it, making it the second center of our Binary Glow Rock System (or its alternate name, Glow Rock 00002). We alternate between the names because it pretty much holds dual identities.


Fast forward from Earth’s creation about two billion years, or 35 BAX, when our solar system has five planets/rockglobes, and we begin to see signs of life on Earth/Homerock.

For those first two billion years, Homerock was a frightening place. Crystal and rock explosions were frequent, space debris broke and melted crystals into water, fire and green jelly created strange bulbous spheres on rocks (known as Inanimate Jellyblobs), and the Earth’s/Homerock’s birthing process was violent and disgusting. But beautiful.

And then, on one fateful day sixteen billion years ago, which we can refer to as either Day 1, 35 Billion years AX or 0 on the Homerockin Life Calendar (any date after is month-day-year followed by After Birth/AB, e.g. 11-27-525 AB, or Novarock 27, 525 AB)- on that day- one rock hit another rock (dark very hard rocks, what we call “stones”), and sparks ignited. A nearby Jellyblob was hit by these sparks and caught ablaze. With no pre-life firefighters around to put this blaze out, it kept going, and going, until another rock fell onto the crisping Jellyblob, creating a strange, smelly, sulfuric rock-and-gel-and-crust substance. Finally, a crystal fell into the mix, melting but putting out the fire. Over the course of a few hours, a sort of shell formed around this strange hybrid formation. The heat built up in the shell made it break open by the end of the 23rd hour (this is why days are 24 hours, representing the amount of time it took for the first lifeform’s conception, gestation, and birth), and out oozed a gelatinous, rocky, wet blob… THAT MOVED.

Fossils show that this lifeform (Animate Jellyrock One, or THE ORIGINAL BEING, or simply the first jellyrocker) had no eyes, but had a bulbous sensory mechanism known as a Radar (nothing like radars as you know them, this is an organic radar), tendrils used to pull itself off of one surface and latch onto another, twenty bulbous “feet” or Figglywigglies (called this because they’re a rather adorable sight) that left a light trail of gel, and a suction cup which sucked in melted crystal water for hydration and circulation.

When THE ORIGINAL BEING (let’s just say Animate Jellyrock One from now on to be more comfortable) faced firey areas, the water they had absorbed (referred to as “they” because they were of dual gender) turned into a crystal shield of sorts, and it simply hooked its tendrils to another rock and flung itself across the fire. When it faced a gelatinous blob, to avoid risk of getting eternally stuck to it, it squirted water from its Radar, creating a slippery surface on the other gel that it could then simply slide across and over. When faced with a pool of water, it simply swam through.

Now when confronted by a crystal, falling or some other situation in which it could be cut into two, well, this was no problem. Actually, this led to its evolution, and the continuation of life on the Earth/Homerock. You see now, Animate Jellyrock One did, after living for four hundred and twenty years, slip and fall onto a tall, thin shard of crystal. It split in half, and on each side, after a short pause from the shock, the two halves squirmed. Then they climbed up the shard. They made it to the top at the same time, and at the top, discovered they had a split Radar, but both halves still functioning. They sensed each other, and this is when life also first attained self-awareness. These are known as the Animate Jellyrock Unitwins.

A deformed Jellyrock, mostly jelly

But this was not the self-awareness you might think of. It was an awareness that its self was now separate from itself, but that the new self (or old self?) was still its self. There was no doubt an identity crisis, with one half wondering if the other half was the original self, or if it was the new self. Or were they both one and the same, both consciousness created at the same time? And either way, how did its consciousness originate? This identity crisis went on for dozens of years (and relative to its prior 420 years, this was nothing- but it felt like millenia, with all this overthinking), and facing an existential dillema, it decided, both halves at the same time (but we don’t know if it always thought the same thing or if everything just came around back to this mirrored moment) decided to end the mental (though we have no evidence of a brain… but a soul? this is a debate for the ages, nothing has been proven here) anguish, and leapt to “its” fate. One half fell into a raging inferno, and it melted slowly to its death. The other half fell into a field of crystals (maybe showing that it didn’t remember what happened last time it fell onto a crystal tip, thus making it the “newer” soul? who knows), and once it hit one crystal, it split into two, bouncing from the intertia onto other shards, splitting again, a couple new pieces tumbling and splitting again, with an end result of twelve independent but shared-consciousness jellyrocks. These were the Twelve Jellyrock Disciples (or Animate Jellyrocks 2-13).

Over the years, these 12 Jellyrock Disciples/AJs 2-13, did workerbee-type stuff like fetch more jelly and crystals for them to continue thriving and mundane stuff like sit around being mostly gelatinous and leave goop everywhere. But one day, in 535 AB (when the Jellyrocks were ten years old), a massive crystal entered the Earth’s firey atmosphere and most of it burned, but the rest of it split into thousands of pieces, sending shards hitting everywhere and creating violent reactions all over the world. One of the Jellyrock Disciples was hit by one but not split into two. The crystal shard simply remained impaled in the Radar area of the Jellyrock, and amidst all this chaos and destruction, a lightning bolt hit the crystal. This being from then on behaved rather strangely. The others noticed that something was different about this Jellyrock, and by some kind of inherent understanding or possibly telepathy, this Jellyrock became their leader. In the Rockage community, this being is known as Moe.


Moe (or Animate Jellyrock 2) had a new kind of peaceful air about “him”, and began leading the remaining 11 disciples on a journey. A journey to where, they probably did not know because they could not speak (unless again they knew telepathically or their Radars had capabilities we do not know enough about), until fifteen years later, in the infamous year of 550 AB. In this year, on one day, they came upon water. Not just a raindrop or a puddle, but an ocean. How this ocean came to be is mysterious to this day. It may have been some by-product of a crystal-fire reaction, with rock being the cradle of the ocean (that much we do know is true), but we can not be sure. The disciples all rested at the shore as Moe remained on the highest rock and jumped in.

The disciples all started glooping around frantically, until the water receded about a hundred feet, and what was revealed shocked them and would shock anyone in history. Moe now rested with all the water remaining behind “him”, and on each side of him was a rock tablet- 2 rock tablets, with a list of commandments. The second lightning bolt to strike Homerock since life began hit the tablets. The light engulfed all the Jellyrocks, knocking them down. But they all survived. And when they all got back up, they discovered— they now had eyes.

The disciples read the commandments, and they were as follows:


1) Rockers shalt not hit another rocker at a high speed if at all controllable.
2) Rockers shalt not knock another rocker away from his wife.
3) Rockers shalt not leave their quarry until they are 18 months old.
4) Rockers shalt not touch scissors.
5) Rockers shalt stay away from paper.
6) Rockers shalt not idolize any rockers aside from the true Rock God.
7) Rockers shalt never create any other creature or sub-creature in his name in any ironic way.
8) Rockers shalt never travel into the Sun.
9) Rockers shalt never go to public school.
10) Any classification of any being of Homerock origin under any other label shalt not be recognized as anything other than a Rocker.*

*However, the world has far too many species, genuses, etc. to call them all simply “Rockers”. We need to break them up into categories and subcategories and such, so that’s why you’re seeing different names. Everything from Jellyrocks to Rockmen to Stonezillas are all Rockers. This is also a lot more efficient and sensible than the term “Human”, since, say, do we call cats “humans”? Ants “humans”? See my point? Thought so.

So, the disciples studied. And traveled the world. At one point, about forty years later, or 592 AB, lightning struck a third time. This time, Moe, hit directly and getting old and moldy, died. The crystal shard fell to pieces. The disciples mourned for seven days and seven nights, forming a circle around Moe. And on the eigth day, one disciple, Animate Jellyrock 3, or Ozzy, took the largest shard, still smoking from the lightning strike, and split them all into two, except himself. There were now 21 Jellyrocks. Ozzy proceeded to eat the shard, and we’re not sure what his intention was, but he died.

Suddenly, another lightning bolt hit, the fourth in the history of our existence, the second within twenty minutes. It hit a widespread area, over all twenty Jellyrocks, but did not kill any. But the Jellyrocks did seem confused and started rolling and rubbing on the ground. They gradually begin looking down at themselves, and realized they now had genitals. One of them looked at the sky for the rest of the time, awaiting another lightning bolt, realizing there was some evolutionary power or gift contained within these bolts. The rest of them realized their potential and spent most of the time copulating.

After a few days, the group had largely formed their own partnerships. However, there were only 9 “couples”… the tenth male was still looking upward, waiting for the next evolutionary leap, and the tenth female was looking for sex. She had been circling this last remaining male for a day or two to no avail. Finally, she decided to try forcing herself on him, only to find his genitals had fallen off.

Disappointed but more determined than ever, she leapt off his rock and tumbled toward a couple who was just about to fornicate. She bumped the female there out of the way, and proceeded to copulate with the male. The male, confused but enjoying the moment, cooperated. But just before the moment of climax, the bumped female Jellyrock had returned to the rock and loomed behind the female interferer, or, Jellyrock Jezebel. Lightning hit the offended female, and a spark glinted in her eye. This of course caught the skyward-looking male Jellyrock’s eye but he was rocks away had practically forgotten how to move. The lightning-struck betrayed Jellyrock looked down at a crystal shard on the ground, and her eyes widened.

The male Jellyrock was now climaxing, as Jellyrock Jezebel was pushing him to keep going because she was near climax. The lightning-struck female picked up the crystal shard and stabbed it many times into the Jezebel, not letting it go through so she could replicate, but making many puncture wounds, sending her into a world of pain, and rolling off the rock into a pool of water, and her jelly rose to the surface in many places. The male Jellyrock lay there, finishing climaxing, but trying to go after the slain Jezebel. The scorned female Jellyrock stopped him in his tracks and lunged at him, sending them both rolling to the edge.

Just in time, the skyward-looking male Jellyrock leapt onto the rock, blocking them from falling to their doom. The male cheating Jellyrock regained his footing (or Figglywigglying) and took the crystal shard from his female companion. He raised the shard over her, ready to strike, and was about to when the genital-less skyward-looking male leapt between them and grabbed the shard, and stuck it straight into the cheating male. The struck male stumbled back and fell into the water where his mistress’s jelly float.

Not sure but this is freaky.

The genital-less male took the scorned female into his jelly bond and his genitals regenerated upon contact. From this point on, they were known as the (TRUE) King of Rock and Queen of Rock. For the next thousand years, until about 1600 AB, The King and Queen of Rock and their descendants ruled Homerock and the nations that developed. However, only half of the planet was discovered in that time. What today is known as the Eastern Hemisphere, or the lands of Eurasia and Africa.

A representation of the King of Rock

The King and Queen of Rock ruled over what would today be Saudi Arabia- then it was called Jerocko. Their descendants, more complex than their parents, with tendrils that were used as weapons and tools of love, each killed their parent of their respective sex. The son, The Prince of Rock, killed the King of Rock; The daughter, The Princess of Rock, killed the Queen. The parents were murdered at some point in their fifteenth year, after having produced their offspring at about twelve years of age. For ten years, they ruled Jerocko. In 620 AB, their conquistadors discovered the new land of Rockdeux (rahk-deh), now known as Egypt. A deal was made for the Prince to stick behind and rule Jerocko as the Princess went on to rule Rockdeux.

In the year 626 AB, just as the Prince was about to die, another rock hit Earth/Homerock, in Rockdeux. The Princess of Rock’s chief scientist, Stoneus Jellus, studied this rock, and it showed not only properties of Specktacles and Crystalloids, but new elements, Lazerium and Ironyum, was evident. They harnessed the power of Lazerium and Ironyum and created new weapons, including swords, laser beams, and rockets. Also, after this rock hit Homerock, Jellyrocks began to spontaneously develop legs. This legged species will now be referred to as Jellyrockers.

Artist’s rendition of a Jellyrocker

On a visit to the Prince of Rock’s deathbed, the Princess brought him a cocktail concocted of Lazerium and his favorite Mead. By morning, the Prince was on his feet, running laps around his castle. The Princess woke up thinking he had gone to kill himself, but instead went outside to see him naked, wrapping his tendrils around three female Jellyrockers. He had a new youthful look and feel about him, and upon sight of the Princess, he let go of his groupies and scurried to the Princess. He demanded to have more of the cocktail, and she complied, and it turned out that this concoction was the Fountain of Youth.

The secret of the Fountain of Youth was not revealed to the masses, but reserved for the elites. The Prince and Princess ruled the middle east for decades more, over numerous average lifespans of 10-15 years. Soon, in around 737 AB, a Jerockian scientist decided to rebel and share the secret with his family, and one aspirational Jellyrocker, his Uncle Ron, decided to spread it to hundreds more, and news of the revelation reached the ears of the Royal Family. The Prince sent his army to kill anyone who had any trace of the Fountain of Youth cocktail. However, Uncle Ron, the leader of the rebellion, saw that the Prince now had minimal protection for himself, and got through and killed the Prince. The cleansing of the immortal commoners was ceased.

For the next fifty years, Uncle Ron ruled over the kingdom. He was technically a great great grandson of the Prince, so the lineage wasn’t too damaged. But it was a major controversy when it was revealed that Uncle Ron and the Princess had a relationship for three decades. A faction of descendants decided to explore on their own beyond the borders of Jerocko, going northeast, and discovered what is now Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, and then Russia. Then, all that land was known as Secret Upland. It was the biggest discovery of land ever made. The leaders of the expedition, the Knights of the Jellyrock (they most resembled their primitive ancestors the Jellyrocks), dominated this land for fifty years, until they were invaded.

They were not invaded by the Royal Kingdoms of Jerocko and Rockdeux, no. They were invaded by an advanced alien civilization that is said to have been on a passing-by planet, Dinorock. They resembled dinosaurs, but the leaders of the Dinorockian race resembled modern humans. Yes, they resembled our race more than the Rockers descendant of Jellyrocks did. The leader, King Reptar (also used by the fantasy children’s show Rugrats, where it was attributed to a stuffed animal), resembled a Tyrannosaurus Rex but had a humanlike head.

Representation of King Reptar

Most of the Secret Upland inhabitants were destroyed, save for a necessary proportional amount of slaves, until the Dinorockian race reached Jerocko. Uncle Ron of Jerocko came up with an idea during the onslaught of the Uplanders. He presented an offering of the Fountain of Youth because he could tell many of the Dinorockians were dying of old age and dysentary. After some negotiations, the Dinorockians and Jellyrockers of Jerocko came to an agreement. However, there was a major catch- Uncle Ron of Jerocko agreed to allow the Dinorockians to mate with the Princess of Rockdeux and the female Rockdeux inhabitants of their choice and breed.

As of 799 AB, a new species had arisen: Dinojellies. The name Dinojelly may be misleading. They were a hybred of Dinorockians and Jellyrockers, but they had significantly less jelly characteristics than Jellyrockers, and did not have the humanlike heads of Dinorockians. However, they were more like the amphibians and animals of today. Over time, contrary to evolutionary theory, the amphibious-like kind, faced with water (they were much more nomadic than the settled Jellyrockers), adapted and evolved into fish-like creatures, called Fishyjellies. These had minimal rocky features. The amphibious creatures were and are known as Minidinos. The animal-like creatures evolved into Shelled Dinojellies (such as turtles and snails), Haired Rockbeasts (such as mammoths and sloths), and Bald Rockbeasts (such as seals and hairless cats).

But there were many Dinorockians who perceived these new species as devolved, and crafted a plan to stop these lower species from running Homerock. In 850 AB, led by King Reptar, they secretly called on their home planet Dinorock’s fellow species (which didn’t want to show up when the land Dinorockians invaded Homerock/Earth), the Terrattackers, to stage an attack on the Jellyrockers. This attack was quite swift and successful, leaving only a few thousand Jellyrockers remaining, which the Dinorockians wanted to spare for minimal continuation of their species and hybrid offspring. The Terrattackers included what we’d recognize as Pterodactyls (actually Master Terrattackers), eagles/condors/vultures (Warrior Terratackers), owls/crows/doves (Diplomat Terratackers), and finches/hummingbirds/robins (Skybabies). They also mated with some of the amphibious Minidinos (they were most attractive to them) and created Rocker/Beachbum Terrobservers, or geese/pigeons/ducks.

Meanwhile, the ruling race of Dinorockians used Jellyrockers, Diplomat Terratackers, and Beachbum Terrobservers to build an advanced civilization, with help of the modern elements of Lazerium, Ironyum, and their own Antigravity Alchemy. They created what are now known as the Pyramids of Giza. For a couple decades, Bald Rockbeasts and Jellyrockers were mating, creating cat-dino-jellyrock-like hybrids (Catrockmen), and took over the governments of the pyramids. They then ordered the workers and slaves to create the Sphinx and show their worship in hieroglyphics. After a while, Dinorockians started eating the cats, and the Catrockmen started dying off, with just a few hundred remaining by 875 AB. This is when we see the first generation of Rockmen, a rockier kind of humanlike creature than we see today, but they too died off, also eaten by the Dinorockians, and our evidence of these today is Mummies. Only a few hundred remained of these as well.

The range of species became increasingly diverse over the course of the 9th century. By 900 AB, most of the land of Asia (or then, Dinoland), Europe (Terranica), and Africa (Beastialia) was discovered. The wide range of species fluorished, clashed, mated, and propagated in what may have been the most eclectic century for our planet, with new species popping up every year, the 900s. In 999 AB, the Fishyjellies reached what is now known as South America.

When the first Fishyjelly reached “South America”, it sent some kind of sonar signal to Terratackers in Terranica. A coalition of Master, Warrior, and Diplomat Terratackers came to this new land, and explored. What they found, they could not comprehend. Some though they went all the way around the world, back to their homeland, but this place was much more jungly and foresty. But- there was another advanced civilization with a capitol of pyramids. And here, Rockmen and Minidinos were more prevalent. Apparently the Rockmen had learned how to defeat the Dinorockians by using the weapons they had discovered by space rocks that arrived long before the Dinorockians had. Their history may be hearsay, but it’s what they told the conquistador Terratackers. The fishyjellies mostly stayed in the water or were eaten. Apparently, this land was called Mayazacapexulcocan.

Over time, from about 1010 to 1111 AB, the Rockmen of Mayazacapexulcocan mated with the Terratackers, resulting in a species of Winged Rockmen. These were worshipped for their heavenly appearance and abilities, much as the Catrockmen of Rockdeux/Beastialia were worshipped. Over the next three hundred years, these two civilizations existed independently of each other. In 1477 AB, suddenly, the Dinobeasts showed up on the shores of Mayazacapexulcocan, and took over. But unbeknownst to them the Mayazacapexulcocan Rockmen had expected this and they cancelled each other out by their attacks.


Fast forward to 2222 AB. George Rockingston, Lewis Presley, and Lexington Jones of the Empire of Brittania, which reigned the majority of the world’s lands from 1850 to 2222, leading a group of revolutionaries, penned the Declaration of Rock Liberty to liberate themselves as a sovereign nation, the United Colonies of Freerocks. This is what is now known as the United States of America. However, this is due to loss in translation and legal matters over the years. The Brittanic accent eventually mashed up with Latexican, Alascadian, and Jamaican accents and the United Colonies of Freerocks, often casually referred to as Freerockica, took on other enunciations such as Fornica, Arockica, and Frockicana. Over the years it all got muddied up and around 2400-2410 AB, the “official” nation’s name became the United Colonies of Fremoroca.

In 2422, on the bicentennial, a controversial parade float, the half-black, half-white baby holding a corn cob and wearing a white colonial wig without a diaper (the controversy being due to no diaper), incited a civil war. The West won, and had been fighting for its colonies to instead be called states for years, and finally got their way. Thus the country officially became known as the United States of Fremoroca. But there were many Latexicans in the west mating with many Pacifonian immigrants who could not pronounce the letter “F”. So Fremoroca eventually became Remorica in the west, while the east still referred to the country as Fremoroca. That is until the slang word of “remorons” came about in the 2440s and the west came back with “frofros”. So they decided to drop any “fre”s or “re”s and thus in a time of reconciliation in the 2450s, the country unanimously agreed on “Amoroca”. However in 2452 the nation of Almo Roca sued Amoroca for copyright infringement, and Almo Roca (led by Coco Roco) won the lawsuit, so Amoroca settled and changed the nation’s name to America.

Now we find ourselves in 2458. Coming very soon is the background of the last two decades, including everything from the modern King of Rock to the War on Chalk to the Great Landslide War III and Invasion of the Jelly Bellies.


2 thoughts on “The Theory of Rockage

  1. This is a plagiarism of the original ROCKAGE theory of M. Sprout. You can still find the original discussions on and PDFs online. Unless you can provide evidence you’re M. Sprout, you’re an impostor.

    Unfortunately ludichris persecution from creationists and evolutionists alike seemingly led one of the most revolutionary scientific theories into oblivion, and the its TRUE theorist, will have to wait for future generations to come to rediscover his findings and recognize him as one of the most brilliant minds of our time, standing side by side with Newton, Plato, Lamarck, Hoyle, Einstein, Monckton, and just a few others.

    And impostors will hopefully be unmasked and forgotten as well.

    • Right… Well unless he reincarnated as me, or I channeled him, then M. Sprout is either a mushroom sprout from a species I didn’t explore enough, or I’d really like to meet my twin mind.

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