Obama Addresses America Again, New Plan to Tackle Race and Religion

President Obamba delivered his second emergency address from the Oval Office to the nation Tuesday night. This is the first time he has done so twice in one week. Here is the transcript:

My fellow Americans, I come to you tonight after deep soul-searching led me to an epiphany that I want to share with all of you. After the terrorist attack in San Bernardino, I realized how radical interpretations of religious texts can lead to mass killings, and in response hatred spreads across a religion, such as Christianity, against the religion they believe is responsible for most terrorism, such as Islam, and the cycle goes on. So, I come to you today, as your commander-in-chief, to make the case against religion, and explain why it is time for all religions, as well as races, to be banned.

Our country was founded on freedom, freedom of religion and freedom from state-mandated religion. We are a nation of Christians, yes, meaning we are on the right side of history. Unless you think I am a Muslim (chuckles). Of course I am not. I however realized I can no longer be Christian as long as I am an ambassador of peace. Commander-in-peace, if you will. The Christians, inclusive of Catholics, have been responsible for historical atrocities such as the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Planned Parenthood attacks. Muslims, as politically correct as I have been, truly were responsible for 9/11, the Boston Marathon bombings, and the Columbine massacre. Jews, yes the Jewish people, have been responsible for, well, nothing except successful business and entertainment ventures. Jews don’t kill people and that’s because they are not religious or racial at heart.

That brings me to my next point. Race. It should be wiped out as well. Racial tensions have resurfaced in this country to a point we haven’t seen since the 1980s, when crack addicts were imprisoned at a rate 42 times higher than golf players. In the decades since, the racial lines between crack cocaine users and golf pros blurred, and racial stereotypes faded to nearly nothing. However, we now find ourselves accusing police of racism, when really, they are just killing the bad people in this world. And if none of them had any color, all people killed by police would look the same.

Mexicans come in all colors, just as Syrians and the Oriental people do. The American family comes in black and white and Latino and Jew. Together, if we all crossbred and made sure not to mate with those of our same race, the racial lines would be wiped off the face of the Earth within nine months. So this is my plan, and I hope Congress will approve of it. I believe, if they truly want a unified America, they will.

This will be Phase One of the Rescue America from Race and Religion Act (RARRA/RAfRaRA).

All black males over the age of 18 will be registered into the selective sex system, based on physical, psychological, and class criteria, as well as blonde females over the age of 16. Physical criteria will trump all other factors, and each couple will be matched according to the Optimal Offspring Outcome estimates. Our top scientists from every department, from Health to Agriculture, and of every race, have made this their life’s work and have mastered the science to a T. We are now 100% sure that we will reach a raceless world by 2025 if we implement the RARRA in 2016.

Phase 1.1 of the RARRA will be eliminating religion.

Clearly, religion is the cause of most violence in the world, edging out racial terrorism by 3%. Freedom will remain more powerful than fear, but it is time to be freed from all religion, and thus terror (once race is also eradicated). We are a nation of tolerance, and it is time for us to stop tolerating intolerant beliefs. And 95% of all intolerant beliefs are rooted in religion. Therefore, religion is 95% terror, and it has become our #1 enemy. You can say we have now entered the era of the War on Religion.

Of course, many religious zealots will say this fulfills prophecy, atheists bring about the end of the world, and so on. But above all they will blame their opposing religion, and it’ll be Christians versus Muslims forever. We don’t want that. We also don’t want Christians and Muslims joining forces to wage war on atheists and agnostics and “spiritual” secular people. Because the non-religious would not have a chance, and the religions’ silly belief books would become fulfilled.

Although, as we all well know, non-religious people can get pretty radicalized themselves, and see themselves as intellectually righteous over religious people. Therefore, Phase Two of the RARRA will be the implementation of the Secular Separation System, in which secular people will not be allowed to come into contact with any formerly religious people or religious terrorists. Thus, the secular, or non-religious, will be placed into safety camps in designated cities determined to have a minimally religious history. Las Vegas will be the first such safe haven, and all secular citizens will be housed on the former grounds of the Riviera Hotel-Casino. If any attempt to preach religion, have a religious or spiritual experience, or communicate with a religious person outside of the safety camp, they will be incinerated.

How will we deal with those who refuse to lose their religion? We have camps for them too. However, since they will be deemed criminals and religious terrorists for life, these camps will not have the safety measures the seculars will be provided. Details of safety measures and anti-safety measures have not yet been determined. We will guarantee total transparency once every American is either placed into a camp or sworn their oath to never believe in any religion or non-religion.

Over time, with the total elimination of all race and religion, and thus hate, we will have achieved total harmony. The ultimate fulfillment of the American dream. Freedom is more powerful than fear. The only path to freedom is unity, without dissent. Through unity we will find peace. And through peace we will find God.

Amen, America.



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