LAS VEGAS, Nev.- Hovvyair Sanchez, 31, killed five “intruders” last Thursday, according to police. In the days since, one of the biggest dramas of this century has begun to unfold before the eyes of the world.
It all started when a young boy came to Hovvyair’s door at 11 A.M., shortly after Hovvyair returned home from his graveyard shift at work. Hovvyair Sanchez’s door surveillance camera showed the unfolding of events. According to Sanchez, he was very grumpy, since he was just falling asleep when the boy knocked.
“The little asshole just wouldn’t stop, even after I answered the door with my war hammer in hand. He tried saying something about selling me his chocolates but his voice was all shaky and puny. The little prick wouldn’t just leave, so I had to teach him a lesson. Little punk ass won’t be selling chocolates at 11 A.M. in the middle of the night anymore… you citizens out there can thank me for that.”
The video, currently being held as evidence and classified from public view, shows Sanchez first knocking the chocolates out of the kid’s hand onto the ground with the war hammer, severing the boy’s hand, before then waving it at the boy and knocking his head off. The kid’s head rolled down Hovvyair’s front steps and he dragged the body inside. It is unknown what he then did with the body.
At about 1:30 P.M., an old lady opened Sanchez’s door and walked inside. She started to call out his name. Since the surveillance video only shows the front doorway, it is not known exactly what happened after she walked inside, but five minutes later, her body was seen being tossed out the door, landing on the little boy’s disembodied head. Relatives told the media that this woman was Sanchez’s grandmother.
“Nana should learn how to knock. And not interrupt my sleep! When I was a kid she knew better, she never woke me up in the middle of the day, ever since I beat my parents up for doing that. But I guess with her getting old and senile, she forgot how to act around me. Well, maybe now she won’t make the mistake of waking someone up from their sleep down there in hell.”
At around 10:45 P.M., when Sanchez was getting ready for work, he heard a rustling outside his window. Video shows that someone in a mask was at his door, taping up the peephole, and a second person in a mask dragging his grandmother’s body and propping it up against it the door. Seconds later, a third person is seen running from off the frame and then Sanchez running after, and striking the man down with the war hammer. He smashes the man’s head into the ground several times, long after his body went lifeless and limp. The two accomplices tried to pull Sanchez off, but Sanchez appeared to effortlessly send the short one, a female, flying into the wall with a strike from his war hammer. The other person, an old man, rushed off and grabbed the little boy’s head, and returned to beat Sanchez with it. Sanchez grabbed the head, threw it into the air, and struck it with the war hammer, as if hitting a baseball with a baseball bat. The head flew out of the shot. He then proceeded to strike the old man’s crotch with the war hammer, dropping him to the ground. As the old man rolled around in agony, a puddle of blood spreading around him, Sanchez walked off, into the night, with war hammer in hand and Red Rock collared work shirt on, but pantless. The old man bled to death after six hours.
Sanchez was last seen by friends the day before the killings, talking about how the only “club” he knows of is what he beats people to death with, during a conversation his friends were having about nightclubs.
“I was just asking my friends what club my other visiting friends should go to, and Lisa said XS is bumpin’ and Mikey said Tao for class and easy girls, and then suddenly Hovvyair walks in holding this ICP coffee mug and says, ‘The only club I know is the one I beat people with,’ and he looked at me with these scary threatening big deer-in-the-headlights eyes and sipped from his cup. He was being so unpredictable, I thought he might throw his drink at me! I didn’t even know what he was drinking!” trembled Jeanie Jefferson.
Mikey Motts echoed the sentiment- “Mr. Sanchez is a fuckin wildcard.”
Rumors have circulated since news of the brutal killings of Sanchez being a member of the group or gang “Batman”, but he adamantly denied this. During the now-infamous arrest that was caught by news cameras outside the afterhours swingers/hardcore drug club “ICPP”, just before Jane Harley Dredd shot at Sanchez, when asked by a reported about any “Batman” affiliations, he responded,
“No I am not, and from what I know, ‘Batman’ is not a group; it or ‘he’ is a fictional entity, a vigilante superhero, known to be the central character of such blockbuster movies as “The Dark Knight”, “Batman Returns”, and “Batman Forever”. He originally appeared in comic books bearing his name. He has been played by acclaimed thespians such as Michael Keaton, Christian Bale, George Clooney, Val Kilmer, and above all, Adam West. But I don’t know who nor am I a ‘member of Batman’.”
To this the reporter asked in response, “Who is… ‘The Batman’?” And this is when the shots rang out. The reporter’s hand was hit by all three bullets, as his microphone-holding hand was blocking Hovvyair’s mouth.
Jane Harley Dredd, the hooded shooter, was tackled to the ground, but when one man shouted out, “He’s got no genitals!”, everyone got up and helped Jane to their feet. Jane removed her hood, revealing golden locks breezing over their face, lipstick visible from miles away, invoking gasps from the crowd, and told everyone, “I was a man. THE man. THE Batman. But now… I’m a woman. Not a bat. Not a man. A woman. With a vagina. Not a penis. A vagina.”
One person in the crowd started clapping slowly and chanting, “Bat. Woman. Bat-woman. Batwoman. Batwoman,” and so on, then was joined by another person, then another, and soon the entire crowd. Jane Harley “Batwoman” Dread shook her head and walked away, down the street, into the darkness, never to be seen again.
Mr. Sanchez is now facing three counts of contempt of court for showing up to court five minutes early, thus humiliating the judge and making him send everyone home upon seeing Sanchez in the courtroom. Judge Dick Cockhart is presiding over the case, and threw out the five counts of murder with a deadly war hammer upon discovery that the victims were all people that Cockhart failed to convict at least five times in a row, upon them all being proven innocent by juries and Cockhart’s failed intimidation of jurors at every hearing of his career.
In a statement released Friday, Sanchez pleaded with the American people, “If you value the lives of your children, your parents, or your sex partners, you will demand that Judge Cockhard be taken off my case, and that the case be presided over by Judge Quinn, Medicine Woman, known best for giving war hammer murderers and rapists the harshest sentences possible. I have had a spiritual epiphany and I need to be punished. I’ve been a bad, bad boy. Love, Hovvyair.”
Reported by Jason Nellis.